2 Sep 2009

Expert Village: Useless Village

Today's Whore-O is all about Expert Village, the 20th most subscribed channel on Youtube. They have 393,768 subscribers, which is hardly surprising because they have posted 138,952 videos. Yes, one hundred and thirty eight thousand, nine hundred and fifty two videos. Can you even imagine that many videos? The average length of an Expert Village video is around two minutes, meaning that if you were to watch them all back to back without any gaps, it would take over half a year -but I'd say half a year well spent, because you'd emerge an expert in the field of everything.

Dear Expert Village, I would like to know how to draw Will Smith. No problem David, our "artist extraordinaire" Bill Connolly will guide you through it in less than three minutes. Good because I'm in a hurry.

You'll notice straight away that he's laughing as he tells us his name. He's laughing because he thinks we're idiots. You'd have to be one to believe him when he says "I'm going to draw Will Smith from memory" when we can see plain as day it's already on the fucking page. "Start with a lie" that's the first rule of art. If you bother to watch the rest of it then you'll see that even with construction lines it comes out awful, especially the body he throws in.

Ok, so now you're an "artist extraordinaire" you'll probably want a nice English accent, like Dick Van Dyke. Look no further because Tracy Goodwin is an American lady, but an expert in the English accent. Take a look:

Edit: Expert Village took the whole series down from Youtube and their own site -presumably because of all the complaints. I managed to find it and re-upload to dailymotion.

Now you're English, you'll obviously know what a nappy is. This woman is an expert at making them look like a cake:

She's an idiot. Don't watch the whole video. I didn't. I have no idea how it ends. Back now to our art theme and a more advanced lesson with "How to Draw a Dodge Viper in Photoshop":

He already has a picture of the Dodge! He didn't make that. Keep watching as he nails the curvature of the wheel, and ends up with....a black shape. I'm struggling for words here, these videos just sell themselves. Who are these people? Are they being paid? Who classes these as experts? This next video features a man who can do the moonwalk forwards! Why?

Trainers scuffing and squeaking on the floor; very gracious. Lovely flowing movements. Now teach me to play punk rock on the drums.


I'll round this up here with another from Bill Connolly, "Artist and Caricature Extraordinaire" and this time he's drawing Michael Jackson.

What are you laughing at Bill? You can't bare to draw his new face? I'm not surprised. This video was released before Michael Jackson was popular (again). Bill pays tribute in glory with an almost photographic representation of Mr. Jackson from when he was young, gifted and black. A perfect goodbye for any dead pop star. Try it yourself.

If you have half a year to spare, then why not wade through 138,952 videos of pure knowledge over at Expert Village and a further 16,000 on their new channel eHow.


  1. Ahahaha, yeah pretty much a step by step guide of 'How to kill your brain: online' That nappy cake looks positively delicious though.

  2. Wow, it's really hard to believe this. Are they serious, or do they just have a very strange sense of humor? And all the subscribers - ghost accounts?

    That forward moon walk was absolutely amazing.

  3. Over the past (insert time period here) I have seen quite a few expert village videos. Not once have I hear learned seen anything remotly useful. not even on subjects I knew nothing about before. It's just such ashame that they even use the title Expert, when it's as clear as day that they are not. and even if the person in the video is good at what they do, they are not the kind of people that are good at explaining. It is a good example of quantety over qualety. If they had only two videos, and they were good, that would mean more to me than the absolutly useless 138952 videos. I would rather have only one tiny lump of gold than a million truck full of crap

  4. These videos are more useful than you think. Granted, at first viewing, these seem to be nothing more than step-by-step instructions for random subjects, with pathetic acting. How To Draw Will Smith? Yes, I cannot recall a single time I ever thought to myself: How convenient it would be if I could draw a recognizable caricature of Will Smith. But seriously -- in less than 3 minutes? It's not like you're throwing away a year or two. For a moment, dismiss how ridiculous the task is, and reconsider the question of how it could be useful. How about the next chat with your dad, when he's least expecting any unusual talents you've recently developed? Grab a napkin and carry on a conversation with your pa, listening to him moreso than offering your own words, and bust out Will, as though it was something you were hardly aware of doing. It's likely your dad will take notice, then you can exaggerate about how you got to be such an entertainer. This should be a good segue into talking to your dad about what's truly important to you -- your talents and passions -- and I can only imagine the best of results.

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  6. Expert Village Idiots!