23 May 2011

Dr. Firth Lost Blog

The BBC asked me to write some blogs to accompany Jerry Jackson's cartoons a while ago. They didn't really specify what they wanted, so I made up some nonsense in the style of a newspaper style help column. I delivered this last one a little late and they didn't get round to publishing it. So here it is.

Don't burn your fanny on a candle, it's Dr. Firth with some wise shapes.

Letter from Walter Ribbon:

Last year I quit my life due to a financial misunderstanding and I've been regretting it ever since. Give me second chance Doc!

If we could project our regrets, then the majority of life would be dull and quite withdrawn, wouldn't you agree Walter? I once sodomized a knackered bulldog, and I still feel pretty bad about it. He was absolutely helpless and I took advantage, but I don't regret one second of it. I wouldn't do it again, but if I went back in time I wouldn't NOT do it again either. The reason being is that, on my way to the police station, following the supposedly illegal buggery, I found sixty pence and a soggy box of cigarettes that someone must have dropped. They dried out fine, and the money came in useful. I wouldn't have happened upon this fortunate care package of delights if it weren't for my brazen, sinful bestiality. But back to your problem. No, I cannot bring you back to life.

Dean in La Rochelle says: I recently quit smoking, but then quit quitting, which didn't last for long and now I'm thinking of changing my mind again.

Letter from Curly Sue:

I'm a huge success. I'm a big champ and I'm on top of the world. Should I quit while I'm ahead, or should I have quit just before I was ahead? I mean I probably could be further ahead, but feel I may slip down to slightly less ahead, but still considerably ahead if my recent form were to continue. What I mean to say is: "When is the right time to quit?"

Well Curly, there is a time and a place for everything, but also a time and a place for nothing. The remaining times and places are generally for something, but exceptions can be made. Having said all that, if you don't quit before it's too late, you could end up impotent, with the face of a tobacco chewing, weather-beaten fishing enthusiast. It depends what you're after in life.

Mason Critch says: I once said the word "quit" repeatedly until it lost all meaning. I was worried that it would last forever, but it didn't.

Letter from Shaggy:

Is age just a number? I heard that it's also a sound and a smell.

You're an idiot. You really don't qualify to see my response. Stop reading now. Everyone else can continue. The answer is yes. Age is just a number. That is the excuse you're supposed to use in court. "She said she was 17 and I am very gullible". Putting yourself down is good for pity. Age is definitely just a number, but a massively important one for some record holders, myself included. For you see, I was once the youngest person in the world, but my record didn't last long enough for me to cash in. I was beaten 4.2 seconds later by a young chap in Ecuador. He didn't grow up to be a famous doctor though, he actually just died in a war or something along with his ugly brothers.

Thanks for the memories. That's enough work for now.